by Ximena Quiroz and SP Clarke
Miss White Trash 2008 Pageant- Mt. Tabor Legacy
September 22, 2007
Of late, Terry Currier, proprietor of Music Millennium has been promoting a campaign to “Keep Portland Weird.” The annual Miss White Trash Pageant is an intrinsic element within the strange chemical reaction which makes of Portland a very weird place. It is a true spectacle of Hee Haw magnitude.
Women (in this instance seventeen of them), from all walks of life, in all shapes and sizes, gathered to compete to be crowned Miss White Trash. Why? Because Portland (and the greater Northwest) really IS weird. That’s why.
What’s the motive? Some came to mock. Some came on a dare, as a joke. But others, several others in fact, competed because they knew, in their heart of hearts, that they do not belong to the American aristocracy- that their roots, as with most of ours, lay in the white trash heap of life. There we all blister in the summer sun.
After all, the white trash whom migrated out here in covered wagons in the 19th century- were only doing so to escape the white trash they were leaving behind in Arkansas, Kansas and Missouri, etc. And those that didn’t make it west in that initial migration, most certainly did during the Grapes of Wrath Depression, when Okies and Utes were driving out as fast as their bald-tired old flatbed trucks could get them here.
Most of us are the products of that rugged stock. And we live in Portland, fer chrissakes- that pretty much says it all. Without white trash, old Stumptown would be a boat landing and a wildlife preserve, with trees meeting the banks of the Willamette River.
The Miss White Trash Pageant is the illegitimate brainchild of Jesus Presley leader, Rev. Tony Hughes and was the 8th Annual affair- although one year’s event was cancelled due to parole violations. This year, Adam Rothlein, a videographer of some repute, shot the entire affair- the intention being to hopefully create a reality TV series in the next year or two.
And what a production it was! With each of the pulchritudinous contestants vying for the esteemed judges’ (including a former Miss White Trash and an editor of some import from Willamette Week) attention on an extremely crowded stage, one contestant, the lovely Ms. Dawn- was pitched from the stage; falling about six feet onto the hard pavement of the backstage exit at the Mt. Tabor Legacy.
Ms. Dawn lay motionless for quite some time, before managing to finally regain her composure and to rejoin the fray onstage (she attributed her quick recovery to her drunken state- the Legacy bar cut her off 10 minutes after she arrived at the club). And it’s a good thing she was able to recover- because, gol-dang, if she didn’t win the whole damn shebang!! This year’s Miss White Trash almost broke her neck during the competition. Now THAT is dedication.
With a TV series not far off, the Miss White Trash Pageant brings to Portland, and the entire Northwest, the sort of media attention which the region so deserves, representing a nation of fun-loving, hard-living folk, whose only desire is to rise to the top of the white trash heap. Where better to reach such lofty goals than in Portland, Oregon?
SPC
SP, you ignorant slut!
Y’all think you know white trash? Honey, let me tell you about white trash and what this whole shindig was lacking. Portland will be hard-pressed to find real white trash. The untrained eye will mistake the white trash species with that of the hipster species who strives to look “working class” while suckling the teat of their trust fund.
Although this was the 8th annual Miss White Trash Pageant, it was the first one I attended. Perhaps this is the initial problem. I was not able to witness the early events where the true white trash of Oregon could have come out to proudly parade their homemade perms, Wal-Mart flipflops, cut-off denim shorts from K-Mart revealing hints of lacy lingerie that they found in Salvation Army bargain bins.
The Great White Trash Migration of the 19th Century has been pushed out by the Great Californian Migration of the 20th Century. Look beyond Stumptown for white trash because Portland has too many complete sets of teeth in the mouths of people spending outrageous amounts of money for used clothes at trendy fake vintage shops. Even St. Johns, while technically a section of Portland, isn’t really Portland, but rather a sleepy little vortex where you can still find some white trash specimens drunkenly stumbling down the street after a hard day’s drinking at one of the many dive bars. Those sleepy whiskey hazed days are fading away as Portland continues to grow and pushes onward.
Portland IS without white trash nowadays (and you proved it by using a word like “pulchritudinous” in your review! Not enough Portland readers are going to have to look that one up in the dictionary.). These kids were drinking Pabst, not generic yellow label beer. No one was eating pork rinds, and I bet you anything they wouldn’t go near scrapple without being dared to. I even dare to wager that at least one contestant is secretly a VEGAN! How un-white trash! No one there had the words “White Trash” tattooed on their jiggling bellies. None of the ladies up on stage shared their fantasies about sleeping with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Did any of them say anything rude about their baby’s daddy? Did any of them get arrested for disorderly conduct? Do they even know where the trailer parks in Portland are?
No sir, I believe I have missed the glory days of old where real white trash women could proudly wear the crown of Miss White Trash. Kudos for their attempt at achieving the state of White Trash, for I am sure their hearts were in the right place (Bonus points for being pregnant. Extra bonus points for having to think hard about who daddy might be). And extra white trash points to the organizers for inviting Smoochknob and the Smooch girls to play. Their nu-metal sound hasn’t quite reached “ironic music” levels and is still acceptable in the white trash demographic.
Next year, I suggest having the pageant closer to their lands so that the real folk don’t have to come to crazy Portland where too many people actually finished high school rather than get a GED. That can be intimidating. To help non-white trash attendees, there should be further explanation on what it means to be white trash. Perhaps the organizers could put together a short film of famous white trash folks and what they have done to contribute to white trash society. Well, ok, no. That might be a little too high-brow. There could be live cameras back stage to show more of the drama between the contestants and how true white trash women handle themselves in the face of competition. What a juicy reality show waiting to happen!
In short, bring the white trash back to the Miss White Trash Pageant. Someone out there could really use that check for $24.95, and it ain’t no trust fund kid for sure.
XQ
